Have you ever really paid attention to people who are riding roller coasters? Up until recently, I was too busy screaming and hanging on for dear life to pay attention to little else; however, since I have accepted the fact that I cannot prevent my ultimate demise, I have started to actually enjoy riding on the more intimidating attractions at amusement parks. This newfound courage has given me a chance to study my fellow passengers. Although there are basically two groups of said passengers – those who appear to be afraid and those who don’t – these two groups can be broken down further into several subgroups according to the motivation behind these appearances.

"Fraidy Cat" does not just appear to be afraid, but actually is scared to death and doesn’t care who knows it! She* did not want to be on the ride in the first place, but has been either coerced or physically dragged onto the ride by "Death Wish" (described later). This person usually prays fervently during the long, slow, initial incline; then screams until her torment is over. She grasps the lap bar – or whatever else is handy and solid – white-knuckled and rigid with sheer terror. "Fraidy Cat" usually crawls out of the car weak-kneed and incoherent, explicitly cursing the person who caused her persecution."

At first appearance, "Dizzy Damsel" can be mistaken for "Fraidy Cat", but on closer observation, it is obvious that her actions are motivated by a deeper psychological rationale. She is at the park on a date with "Braveheart" (to be discussed later), and is still in the early, impressive stage of the relationship. Therefore, she must appear timid and fearful, saying things like "I’m so scared – hold me so I won’t fall out!" during the beginning of the ride. Her pseudo-screams and fraudulent fear would make Gloria Steinam cringe, but her macho boyfriend absolutely eats it up. She is so "faint" that she must be helped out of and away from the ride, and leans on her fearless companion for hours, lauding his heroism and gallantry.

"Death Wish" is the exact antithesis of "Fraidy Cat." This person does not fear death; in fact, he* actually seems to thrive on testing his mortality. He nonchalantly hops into the car, laughing at those around him who have the common sense to acknowledge the potential danger. Throughout the ride, his hands are waving high in the air, and he whoops and hollers in sheer delight. He reluctantly climbs off the ride, anxious to get back in line to do it again and again.

"Braveheart" is always found in the company of "Dizzy Damsel." His courage may be absolutely genuine or completely spurious, and is motivated by the same thing as "Dizzy": his determination to make a good impression on this girl supersedes any trepidation that he might possess. She does not seem to notice that his arm, wrapped protectively around her shoulders, might be squeezing just a little bit more tightly than necessary, or that is reassuring voice is slightly higher pitched than usual. After the ride, if you listen closely, you just might hear the relief in his voice when he announces that he will not subject her to any more such dangers, and you just might hear the disappointment in hers when she thanks him for his consideration.

"Tipsy Tom" is the one person that you don’t want to end up sharing a car with. When he* first arrived at the park, he was "Fraidy Cat", but his routine stops at every concession stand that dispenses alcoholic fortitude has transformed him into "Death Wish." He announces the completion of this metamorphosis by loudly announcing "I’m ready NOW!" He tumbles into the car, fumbles with the restraints until he receives help from his seat mate, who is more concerned about his condition that the ride itself. His complexion becomes either white or greenish during the ride, and he usually vomits either during or immediately after. Then he is ready to relax with a few more beers until it is time to ride again.

Next time you go to an amusement park, see it you can spot the various people that I have described. Better yet, pay close attention to your own actions, and see if you are one of these people. I’ll bet you are.